I Want My Harm - The JAG Musical
by ScribeAnimal
Summary: Warning: Defies rating: Read with humor mode engaged. Any and all musicals/Disney songs swiped and massacred. Written in 1999 before my wife and I got together. She swears she nearly fell off the chair at the local library laughing. Those of you who know me from the Shipper-List will remember this oldie.


"I WANT MY HARM: THE 'JAG' MUSICAL"

Author: Haruo Chikamori

Rating: Completely un-rateable. Seriously warped parody

Classification: Mac/Harm R;

Spoilers: None, except whatever comes out of Animal's demented mind...

Summary: Hey, it's self explanatory. There is no plot, there is no summary...

It's a musical. :)

Disclaimer: The characters Harm Rabb, Jr., AJ Chegwidden, et al.

belong in concept if not name) to CBS/Bellisarius. No profit is being

made from this story, nor is any infringement intended. Any resemblance to

Star Wars, Pinky and the Brain or any other film is purely coincidental.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

JAG HEADQUARTERS

FALLS CHURCH

1145 EST

HARM: Hey, Mac, have you heard the latest? They've got Parker and Palmer in

the asylum.

MAC: Oh, that's great. And what else is new?

HARM [his mood souring]: And we have to keep track of them. Palmer is

scheduled to go on trial next week.

MAC [disbelieving]: But, keep track of them? Palmer's really slippery. We

don't know what he's planning or going to try to do.

BUD: Sir, here's the latest on the Palmer/Parker case.

HARM: Thank you, Bud, you're a good Yeoman...

BUD: But that's Petty Officer Tiner's job?

HARM: Oh, sorry. [MAC titters in the background; HARM turns to MAC] AND he's

also completely INSANE...

[weird music starts up] - the 'Batty Rap' from Fern Gully Soundtrack

CUT SCENE TO THE INSANE ASYLUM (SCENE 2)

PALMER [in strait-jacket; lunatic expression on his face; sings]:

Yo, the name is Batty;

the logic is erratic.

Potatoes in a Jacket,

Toys in the attic...

I rock and I ramble...

My brain is scrambled.

Rap like an animal...

But I'm a mammal... [laughs crazily...]

I've been brain fried...electrified...

Infected and injectified...

...Vivisectified...and fed PESTICIDE [screams...]

My face is all cut up

'cos my radars' all shot up...

Nuurse...I need a check-up from the neck-up...

I'M BATTY!

They used and abused me...

Battered and bruised me...

Red wires, green wires...

STUCK'EM RIGHT THRU ME!

So, hear my batty word...

And exercise a little prudence...

When dealing with...HUMANS!

'Cos, I'm a real fruit bat...

And I'm ready to rap...I'm READY TO SNAP!

I suffer from sciatica and CHAPPED LIPS!

AND JOCK ITCH! Like a rocket in my pocket,

And I need to scratch...But now I can't stop it...

I'm BATTY! I'M BATTY! It's my batty rap...

It's my batty rap...(Strap him down, IT'S JUST AN ANIMAL...)

It's my batty rap...

NURSE: Well, LCDR Rabb...here is the patient...

HARM [looks in at Palmer who is prancing around the cell trying to fly...]:

What's with him?

NURSE: He thinks he's a fruit bat...

MAC: Well, that explains it...

HARM: Any other symptoms, we should know about...

NURSE: Well, aside from the few psychotic episodes, he appears to be

perfectly normal...

MAC: Well, Nurse, Normal is a relative term.

[intro to song. If I'm GOANNA eat somebody...it might as well be you...]

PALMER [looks evilly at the Nurse and at the camera...]:

Oh, I seem to get the munchies...

This time each and every day...

Go charging thru the jungle,

Like the galloping gourmet...

Slithering through the fauna...

Till something comes in view...

If I'm gonna eat somebody...

It might as well be you...

[Palmer laughs evilly; looks at MAC who is just gaping]

I've a basic inclination...

A very primal need.

To inspect the vegetation...

For an egg or centipede...

[reactions from the Nurse and MAC are not favorable]

I just can't control this hunger

I just can't seem to cut back...

On my ravenous consumption...

You're a welcome little snack...

If I'm goanna eat somebody...

It might as well be you...

I can see you as a sandwich

Or a strange exotic stew...

Welcome to the jungle...

Such a lovely point of view...

If I'm gonna eat somebody...

It might as well be you...

[Camera pans back to show a chorus of mental patients, including Parker...

who leads the chorus with a hideously off-key rendition.]

ALL: He's gonna eat somebody...

What a shocking appetite...

Relax, you'll never feel it...

He'll do you in one bite...

FLOATING down the RIVER!

Like an oyster in a STEW!

He's gonna eat somebody...

Looks like it's gonna be YOU!

Palmer:

I'm goanna eat somebody...

Might as well be you...

A tempting little morsel...

Or a tidbit of fondue...

Welcome to the food chain...

Such a lovely point of view...

If I'm goanna eat somebody...

It might as well be you...

It might as well be you...

HA HA HAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...-evil laugh-

HARM [looking a bit disconcerted asks the nurse...]:

So, he definitely has these psychotic episodes.

NURSE: Yes, definitely.

MAC: Harm, we can't take him to trial, he's stark raving mad!

ACT ONE SCENE THREE

JAG HEADQUARTERS

REAR ADMIRAL CHEGWIDDEN'S OFFICE

[Drumrolls start, indicating the start of "The Virginia Company" from

Walt Disney's 'Pocahontas']

RADM CHEGWIDDEN: (sings to himself)

In sixteen hundred seven

We sailed the open sea,

For Glory, God, and Gold

And the Virginia...Company...

[looks at picture]For the New World is like heaven,

And we'll all be rich and free...

Or so we have been told,

By the...

[knock on the door interrupts his song]

"COME IN!"

Harm and Mac step in, they look despondent.

HARM: Sir, we've gone to see Palmer in his cell, and it's true what the

shrinks have said. Palmer has completely lost his mind.

RADM CHEGWIDDEN: Hmmm, that's not good...[ponders] Well, proceed with

the papers that will keep him locked up for the better

part of his existence.

HARM & MAC: Yes...sir. [exit]

[curtain falls]

END ACT ONE

[INTERMISSION]

ACT TWO SCENE ONE

MENTAL HOSPITAL

Palmer paces his cell, and the lights dim to brighten on three mental

patients

GOSPEL MUSIC STYLE [out of Hercules, Walt Disney]

THREE MENTAL PATIENTS: [sing, first one points to Palmer]

He ran the D-S-D,

but thought that spyin'

was dull and uncouth,

He was as mean as he was ruthless.

And that's the gospel...

TRUTH...

He had a plan...

To shake things up...

And that's the GOSPEL...

Truth...

[the three mental patients shiver in fear]

PALMER: They're out to get me...but I'm going to get them first...Harm...

you ain't seen me at my best yet...[snickers loudly...]

[song intro: 'The Swan Princess' - "No More Mr. Nice Guy"]

Gosh, it's such a hoot to see'em quakin'

When I'm King they'll treat me with respect...

I can't wait to watch their poor hearts breakin'

So much for politically correct...

Up til now, I've pulled my punches...

I intend to eat their lunches...

No more, Mr. Nice Guy, not for me...

If you think, that I'm hard-hearted,

Well, let me by, I haven't even started,

No more, Mr. Nice Guy, NOSIRREE...

As soon as my black deeds have zinged'em...

I'll gain control of my kingdom...

As for Mac, well, that's tragic...

Well, I'm goin' back...to that old black magic...

Good behavior, is so much duller...

Time to show my one true color,

Baby, Mr. Nice Guy's his-TORY!

Vengeance is what I believe in...

I don't get mad, I get even...

Mac won't get away cause I won't let her...

So if I kill Harm, She won't let me leave her...

Up to no good, I love plottin'

Cause I'm so good, when I'm rotten...

No more Mr. Nice Guy...wait and see...

[mental patient chorus] Wait and see...

Cause I've become that nasty, naughty...petty spiteful...

Wicked wayward, way delightful...

Bad guy...I was born to be...

-one more time!-

Lyin, loathsome, never tender...

Indiscreet, repeat offender,

No more MR. NICE GUY...that's not me...

-do, do, do do...do da do do...

YEAH!

[At the end of this song, Palmer finds an escape route and gets away]

NURSE: Oh no...Palmer's gone...

NURSE 2: PALMER'S GONE!

NURSE 3: PALMER'S GONE!

ACT 2 SCENE 2

MAC RELAXES AT HOME: [pulls out a picture of Harm...shakes her head...]

Ah, it can never be...Why...Harm...are we in the same

chain of command. But I can dream, can't I?

[song intro: sung by Sheena Easton, Fern Gully "A Dream Worth Keeping"]

[Mac holds Harm's picture; sighs, and sings...]

Anytime you want, to be right here,

Just imagine me, and all this will appear

You can keep this moment all your life, forever near...

A dream worth keeping,

When you're feeling lost, I'll be your star...

Just reach out and touch me, no matter where you are,

In a world where precious things are disappearing overnight

Just keep my star in sight...

chorusI believe we've found a dream that's worth keeping...

For more than just today...

And even though, the winds of change may come sweeping,

It's still a dream worth keeping,

Don't let it fade away...

Maybe you'll be in some distant land,

Feeling all alone, but I'll be close at hand.

And everytime you see a rainbow paint the sky behind the rain.

You'll be here again...

repeat chorus

bridgeSomeday you might be thinking that life has passed you by,

Your spirits might be sinking with hope in short supply,

And that's the reason why...

That's the reason why...

chorusI know this dream's worth keeping

As long as it will stay...

Even when you see the darkness come creeping...

A dream worth keeping, can never fade away...

PALMER: Very touching, Major

MAC: [whirls around] How did you get in here, Palmer...

PALMER: Ah...it was simple really, the fools never noticed me slipping a key

from them. [pulls out a syringe] But you're now coming with me...

[stabs her with the syringe]

MAC: [faint cry of pain] HARM! [faints as the drugs take effect]

PALMER: Harm can't save you now...my precious lovely Major, soon you will

learn to love me...

MAC: [out unconscious, doesn't reply and Palmer drags her out...]

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

[Harm comes over to Mac's Apartment, sees the door open, thinking that it's

strange that the door is wide open]

HARM: Mac, Mac...are you there...c'mon...it's stick-boy...you know...it's

really weird...cat got your tongue?

[Harm looks frustrated as music starts up]

[Heart's "Wait For An Answer" -AN: yeah, yeah...I know it's corny...]

[Harm is devastated, he expected to see Mac around...]

Someone told me to call,

So I did and no-one answered...

And I don't hear a sound...

But I know...someone's laughing

I'm trying hard to keep my confidence...

You take advantage of my innocence...

Where are you...How are you...

I wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

It's been so long - I'll hold on...

And wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

No one knows you...

what you go through...but I do...

The phone keeps ringing...

No one knows what you're thinking,

But I do...I do...I do...

They were laughing at you,

And I held out my hand...

I was trying to get through,

Without losing again...

Where are you...How are you...

I wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

It's been so long - I'll hold on...

And wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

What's that you say, I can't hear you...

Are those words meant for me, as they appear to be...

The tension in my voice awakes you...

You know who I am, but my name escapes you...

They were looking for you...

And you started to run,

If they asked about you,

I wouldn't tell anyone...

Where are you...How are you...

I wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

It's been so long - I'll hold on...

And wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

The kind of man, that I am...

I do things women can't understand...

But there are times when you should check the lines on my face...

Don't look at me now...

Look at me now...

Look at me now...

Where are you...How are you...

I wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

It's been so long - I'll hold on...

And wait for an answer - wait for an answer...

I'll wait, you make me wait...

Someone told me to call...

[Then Harm notices a chair lying over on it's side and the signs of a brief

struggle. The anger is evident on his face...]

HARM: MAC!...Palmer...I'll get you for this...

ACT TWO SCENE FOUR

BUD: Well, sir...don't you think she may have gone shopping?

HARM: Not with her apartment the way that it was...

[music to BEAUTY AND THE BEAST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL, "CUT ABOVE THE REST"]

HARM [sings]: To each his own my friend,

You know how to get me stressed...

But when it comes doing something special...

BUD [cuts in]: eh-hem...I'm a cut above the rest...

HARM: If you could see things clearly...

You could say that I've been blessed...

BUD: Sir, you can't hold a candle to my computer skills...

HARM: HAH...I'm a cut above the rest...

HARRIET: You belong side by side...

You should never be apart...

'Cause when you're both together...

You're really twice as smart...

[Harm winces, Bud beams]

HARM: I have to say that as a team...

We have got to be the best...

BUD: We have found something we agree upon...

We're a cut above the rest...

HARM AND BUD [together]: There's no doubt that as a team...

We two are the very best...

Everyone who knows us must agree...

We're a cut above the rest...

HARM, BUD AND HARRIET: There's no doubt that as a team...

HARRIET: You two are the very best...

Everyone who knows you two...

HARM AND BUD: Must agree...

HARRIET: Must agree...

HARM AND BUD: That we're...

HARRIET: That you're...

HARM AND BUD AND HARRIET: A CUT ABOVE...THE REST...

IMES AND MATTONI [rush in]: HARM...HARM...we've located Mac's whereabouts...

HARM: GREAT...We'll have to get her away from Palmer...

ACT TWO SCENE FIVE...[split scene]

[Faint music - "Far Longer Than Forever" from THE SWAN PRINCESS]

[Mac finally wakes up...sees that she's in a cell - sings]

If I could break out of this cell, I'd run to him today...

And somehow I know he's on his way to me...

Harm, you and I were meant to be...

Far longer than forever...

I'll hold you in my heart...

It's almost like you're here with me...

Although we're far apart...

[Harm stares out at the stars in the sky...swearing that he will find Mac if

it's the last thing he ever does]

HARM: Far longer than forever...

As constant as a star...

I close my eyes and...

I am...where...you...are...

MAC: Sure as the dawn brings the sunrise...

We've an unshakeable bond...

HARM: Destined to last for a lifetime...

And beyond...

Far longer than forever...

MAC: Far longer than forever...

HARM: I'll swear that I'll be true:

MAC: I'll swear that I'll be true;

HARM & MAC [together in song if not in person]: I swear an everlasting vow

to find a way to you...

Far longer than forever...

Like no love ever known...

And with your love,

I'll never be alone...

MAC: Far longer than forever...

HARM: Much stronger than forever...

MAC: And with your love

I'll never be alone...

CURTAIN FALLS...END ACT TWO...

INTERMISSION: YEAH

ACT THREE SCENE ONE

[Mac, still in her cell]

MAC: I don't know...did I misjudge my dear friend Harm...Is he not going to

come rescue me...Do I have to be the big tough Marine here and escape

from this prison? Oh...how do I ever get into these things...

[song: 'I WON'T SAY I'M IN LOVE' from Hercules; Mac sings]

If there's a prize for rotten judgement...

I guess I've already won that...

No man is worth the aggravation...

That's ancient history, been there, done that...

MEG&HARRIET - inside Mac's head Who'd ya think you're kiddin'...

He's the Earth and Heaven to ya...

Try to keep it hidden,

Honey we can see right thru ya...

Girl, ya can't conceal it...

We know how you feel and

Who you're thinking of...

MAC: No chance, no way...

I won't say it...no-no...

MEG&HARRIET You swoon, you sigh,

why deny it...uh oh...

MAC: It's too cliche

I won't say I'm in love...

I thought my heart had

learned it's lesson

It feels so good when

you start out...

My head is screaming

Get a grip, girl,

Unless you're dyin'

To cry your heart out...

Oh...

MEG&HARRIET You keep on denying

Who you are and how you're feelin'

Baby, we're not buyin'

Hon, we saw ya hit

the ceilin'

Face it like a grown up...

When you gonna own up...

That ya got-got-got it...bad...

MAC: No chance no way...

I won't say it...no-no...

MEG&HARRIET Give up, give in...

Check the grin you're

In love...

MAC: This scene won't play, I won't say...

I'm in love...

MEG&HARRIET You're doin' flips

Read our lips

You're in love...

MAC: You're way off base...

I won't say it...

Get off my case

I won't say it...

MEG&HARRIET in Mac's head - melodramatic sigh- Girl, don't be proud...

It's OK, you're in love...

MAC: Oh...At least out loud...

I won't say, I'm in love...

MAC: [sighs and says] At least I'm not hearing those voices in my head any

more. I thought I was going like Palmer...

ACT THREE SCENE TWO

HARM: Do we have Mac's location fixed?

KEETER: Yes, Harm...we've got it...She's just in the next building on the

next block...We've got her...

HARM [grins and looks heroic...]:

[faint music starts "GO THE DISTANCE" - also from Hercules]

KEETER [snide aside to the audience]: Oh, lovely, a Hallmark Moment...

HARM [sings]: I have often dreamed...

Of a far off place...

Where a hero's welcome...

Would be waiting for me...

Where the crowds

Will cheer

When they see my face...

And a voice keeps saying...

This is where I'm

meant to be...

KEETER [sotto voce]: This is where you're meant to be...

[Harm glares at him for destroying the heroic mood of the piece]

HARM [continues to sing]: I'll be there someday...

I can go the distance

I will find my way...

If I can be strong...

I know ev'ry mile...

Will be worth my while...

If I go the distance...

I'll be right where I belong...

Down an unknown road,

To embrace my fate...

Though that road may wander,

It will lead me to you...

And a thousand years...

Would be worth the wait

It might take a lifetime...

But somehow I'll see it through...

And I won't look back,

I will go the distance

And I'll stay on track,

No, I won't accept defeat...

It's an uphill slope

But I won't lose hope...

Till I go the distance...

And my journey is complete...

But to look beyond the glory

is the hardest part

For a hero's strength is measured

By his heart...

Like a shooting star...

I will go the distance

I will search the world,

I will face it's harms...

[looks at himself...with a confused look, Keeter laughs his head off]

I don't care how far...

I will go the distance...

Till I find my hero's

Welcome, waiting in...

Your arms...

I will search the world...

I will face it's harms...

[spreads his arms inadvertantly slugging Keeter...who stops laughing, be-

cause he's knocked unconscious...and melodramatically sings the last phrase]

Till I find...my...hero's

Welcome...waiting...in...

your arms...

ACT TWO SCENE THREE

HARM: OPEN THE DOOR! PALMER!

PALMER: Ah, the hero arrives. Too bad your sweet princess is now my dear-

est love slave.

[Drags Mac out who is dressed in a skimpy gold lame bikini, reminiscent of a

1983 Science Fiction movie.]

HARM: MAC!

MAC: Harm, I'm alright, but I don't know how much longer I can hold off your

slobbering friend, here...

PALMER: TALKDROID! [looks at script- embarrassed grin...] Oops wrong

script, [then pulls out a flashlight like object...presses a button

and a blade of light comes out...talking in a deep James Earl Jones

voice] If you only knew the power of the Dark Side...Obi-Wan never

told you what happened to your father...

HARM [reading from another script]: HE TOLD ME ENOUGH...HE TOLD ME YOU

KILLED HIM!

PALMER[in same James Earl Jones voice]: No...LUKE...I AM YOUR FATHER...whu?

PALMER AND HARM exchange confused looks and then look at DB:

Hey, Don, what's going on here?

DB: Did someone switch scripts again?

PALMER: Why can't the BAD GUY win one time...

HARM: If the bad guy wins, then the entire play loses all meaning...

PALMER: Oh...

HARM: I guess we'll have to improvise...

MAC: Can the both of you figure something out...I'm catching pneumonia out

here in this skimpy thing...

PALMER: OK, Harm how about you kill me...then you and Mac go home free and

clear...Huh? C'mon, Harm...Mac's catching a cold here...

HARM [suspiciously]: What's in it for you, Palmer...

PALMER: The chance to come back...get resurrected and trouble you two some

more...

HARM [pulls out gun, shoots Palmer...Palmer falls dead]: Well, he told me to.

[ogles Mac...] Hey, Mac, did I ever tell you, you look great in that...

MAC [glares at him...]: Not another word, squid...and I mean it...

HARM: I love you, you know that, Mac...

MAC: Well, ogling me is a funny way of showing it...

HARM [looks at his watch]: Ah...just about time for a duet...

[music starts up...It's "At The Beginning" from 'Anastasia' Harm and Mac are

arm in arm, Harm leering at Mac's rather skimpy outfit]

MAC: We were strangers,

On a crazy adventure

Never dreaming

What we'd have to go through...

Now here we are...

And I'm suddenly standing... [shivers]

At the beginning with you...

HARM: No one told me,

I was going to find you...

Unexpected, what you did to my heart...

[and his mind, which is in the gutter, but that's besides the point]

When I lost hope...

You were there to remind me...

This is the start...

chorus - both Life is a road

And I want to keep going...

Love is a river,

I want to keep flowing

Life is the road

Now and forever,

Wonderful journey...

I'll be there

When the world stops turning

I'll be there

When the storm is through

In the end I wanna be standing

At the beginning with you...

MAC: We were strangers,

On a crazy adventure

HARM: Never dreaming

How our dream would come true

MAC: Now here we stand

Unafraid of the future...

BOTH: At the beginning with you...

chorus

I knew there was somebody somewhere...

Like me alone in the dark...

Now I know my dream will live on...

I've been waiting so long...

Nothing's going to tear us apart...

chorus

Life is a road

And I want to keep going...

Love is a river,

I want to keep flowing on...

Starting out on a journey...

Life is a road and I wanna keep going

Love is a river I wanna keep flowing

In the end I wanna be standing

at the beginning with you...

[HARM AND MAC EXEUNT - fancy word for exit - offstage you can hear Mac

exclaim] HARM, GET YOUR HAND OFF MY BUTT!

CHORUS OF MENTAL PATIENTS LED BY TWO NAVAL OFFICERS

MEG AND HARRIET:

Wooah...Gonna shout it from the mountain tops...

A star is born

It's a time for pulling out the stops...

A star is born

Honey hit us with a hallelu,

The 'KID' came shinin' thru...

Girl, sing that song

Come blow your horn,

A star is born...

He's a hero

Who can please the crowd...

A star is born,

C'mon everybody

Shout out Loud...

A star is born...

Just remember in the darkest hour,

Within your heart's the power...

For making you...a hero too...

So don't lose hope when you're forlorn...

Just keep your eyes...

Upon the skies...

Ev'ry night a star is born...

Right in sight a star is

Burnin' bright a star is born.

Like a beacon in the cold dark night...

A star is born,

Told ya ev'ry thing will turn out right...

A star is born

Just when ev'ry thing

Was all at sea...

The boy made history...

The bottom line...

He sure can shine...

He's the pride of the

US NAVY JA-AG CORPS!

He knew how to...

He had a clue...

Tellin' you a star is born...

Here's a hero who can

Please the crowds...

A star is born

Come on ev'ry body shout out loud...

A star is born...

Just remember in the darkest hour,

Within your hearts the power...

For makin' you, a hero too...

So don't lose hope when you're

forlorn...

Just keep your eyes

Upon the skies...

Ev'ry night a star is...

Right in sight a star is...

Burnin' bright a star is born...

BRAIN: Pinky...I guess we're going to have to go back to the drawing board...

And then try again tomorrow night...

PINKY: To do what...BRAIN?

BRAIN [disgusted look and sounding voice]: Same thing we do every night...TRY TO TAKE OVER THE

WORLD...

************THE END************

Author's note: Please read this with your humor mode engaged since this

author's mind took a walk off the map while writing it.


End file.
